When We Get It Wrong: The Power of Repair in Parenting

“What is wrong with you? I can’t believe you did that! You’re deliberately trying to make my life harder. I’m so mad, I don’t want to talk to you right now”.

Yup. I said that. To my 3-year-old son after he deliberately dropped his yoghurt bottle on the ground to make it splatter across the carpet at the AirBnB we’d just checked into.

Now, let’s put his action aside…because this isn’t an article about what he did. Instead, let’s focus on my response and what was going on for me. I share this not because I am proud of the moment, but because I think it speaks to something universal… We all have these moments.

I’m a professional with a deep passion for this space. I know that shaming a child doesn’t teach the lesson we’re hoping for – in fact, done repeatedly it can chip away at their self-worth. And yet here I was, shaming my son. Why?

To understand my response, it’s necessary to understand the context.

It had been a long day. I was 34 weeks pregnant with my third child, on day three of a month-long stint solo parenting two young kids. That day we’d just checked into our second of five accommodation stays. But my day hadn’t gone to plan.

Instead of packing up early so we could leave on time for the 18-month-old to have his nap on the drive, I ended up in an ambulance with him instead (thankfully we were visiting family, so there was someone to watch my three-year-old at the time).

Thankfully, he responded rapidly and we were able to leave after several hours, but the smooth plans for the day were blown. We got on the road late and he had a long, late nap, pushing bedtime well into the night.

This yoghurt incident? It happened after I’d just finished cleaning up following a late dinner. I was exhausted, physically and mentally, and super keen for bed except my 18-month-old wasn’t going down until 11 pm. I was overwhelmed, and at that moment… The yoghurt was simply the trigger that pushed me over the edge.

Rupture is Inevitable

So why am I telling you this?

Because whilst your story will look different, we ALL have these moments. We are human, and every human has their limit, their triggers, their tipping point moments. We all have moments we’re not proud of. We may yell. We misread the moment. We react instead of responding.

But that doesn’t mean we’re failing, it simply means we’re human.

There is no such thing as the perfect parent, and that is more than okay.

Perfection is not the goal. In fact, it’s unattainable.

Rupture – or what I like to call, the moment of temporary disconnection – is inevitable in all meaningful relationships, especially between parent and child. We will make mistakes. But thankfully, the rupture isn’t what defines the relationship. Rather, it is the repair that matters most.

There is extensive research, by people such as Dr John Bowlby, Dr Donald Winnicott, Dr Mary Ainsworth and Dr Daniel Siegel, that shows that secure attachment doesn’t come from getting it right all the time. It comes from attunement, and the intentional reconnection after a rupture has occurred.

Bowlby and Ainsworth’s work laid the foundation for understanding how secure relationships form. Winnicott famously described the goal as being a “good enough” parent, not a perfect one. In fact, his research showed getting it right around thirty percent of the time is enough to build secure attachment, so long as we’re intentional about reconnecting after we get it wrong.

Why Repair Matters

Repair – or as I prefer to call it, intentional reconnection – teaches your child’s nervous system that important relationships can hold imperfection and still be safe.

It builds trust. It builds resilience. It models humility and emotional accountability.

It says: “I care more about our relationship than about being right”

Repair doesn’t have to be fancy or perfect. It might sound like:

• “I’m sorry mummy yelled. That wasn’t fair to you.”
• “I was feeling really overwhelmed, but that’s not your fault. I know that hurt you, and I’m sorry.”

Repair isn’t the time to teach a lesson. The yoghurt wasn’t the problem; it was the trigger. What needed repair was my reaction, not his behaviour. That was what had disrupted our connection.

Repair is about taking ownership for our response as the parent and the part we played in the rupture.

Not making excuses or justifying our responses. Not shifting the blame to the child. This is about us showing accountability.

Now, that doesn’t mean we don’t guide, teach or set boundaries. That part still matters – deeply. But timing matters too. If a child walks away from the moment feeling only corrected, or only soothed, and not both, then something is missing.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine that you’ve had a painful disagreement with your partner, and in the heat of the moment, they’ve said something that deeply hurt you. If they apologise, but in the same sentence, make a comment about how your behaviour had triggered
them to respond that way, how does it make you feel?

Contrast that with a sincere, unqualified apology, followed by a calm, non-judgemental conversation about how you can both do better.

Remember, connection first. That’s what makes the lesson stick.

Repair Isn’t Always Instant

Sometimes, for whatever reason, in the moment, you simply won’t have the capacity to repair. And that’s okay too. The door to reconnection doesn’t close. It’s not too late to return later with calm, presence and openheartedness to intentionally reconnect.

No matter how intentional we are in our parenting (or let’s be honest, in all relationships), we won’t get it right all the time, and that is okay.

Choosing to be intentional about re-connection is not a one-time event, but rather a way of life. When we choose this path, we model the same to our children. This teaches them emotional literacy, humility and empathy.

Apologising to our children and owning our imperfections, doesn’t make us weak. It makes us safe.

Repair isn’t just for our kids. It’s a healing moment for us too. A chance to move from guilt to grace.

Final Takeaways

I guarantee you will have moments in life where your response will lead to a moment of disconnection with your child. That’s inevitable. We all will. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent; it means that you are human. What matters more is what you do next.

Remember, the ‘rupture’ is not the thing that matters most, but rather the repair – that moment of intentional reconnection. You won’t always get that part right either and that’s also okay. Life, and parenting, is a never-ending journey of growth and learning. And the hope is that we can continue to learn, and grow, alongside our kids.

So, what might a moment of intentional reconnection look like in your home this week?

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